Saturday, June 6, 2015

A crib sheet for the Indian Prime Minister David Bergman

A crib sheet for the Indian Prime Minister

David Bergman 

Warning. This page includes political satire! Do not read on if you are easily offended by politicians you support being satirised! 

With the Indian prime minister Narendra Modi arriving in Bangladesh in a few days time, I thought it might be useful to provide him a crib sheet which will help him understand what Awami League ministers, and the party's civil society supporters, really mean when they talk about 'democracy', the 'BNP', and  'elections' and also to assist him in comprehending any conversation he may have with BNP leaders.

Please suggest definitions of new word (or indeed better ones for those below) in particular for BNP vocabulary in the comment section or by e-mailing,

For the Awami League meetings :
Anti-corruption commission - an organization that proves that it is the opposition party leaders who steel money from government coffers.
Anti-Liberation force - a person or group who does not unconditionally support the present government (see 'Razaker')
An Ally (of Bangladesh) - a country that never criticizes or comments negatively on Bangladesh (and preferably gives it lots of money) (see 'Hostile country') 
Bangladesh Nationalist Party - a terrorist organization which has no right to take part in the country's politics and all of whose leaders should be in jail. 
Caretaker government - now a historical aberration which has out passed its moment of usefulness for the current governing party, but which until a few years ago was mandated by the constitution to carry out elections in a neutral fashion and always allowed the party of the opposition to win the elections.
Civil society - so called educated and respected people, who really only want to take power away from the current governing party.
Corruption - (a) Something that does not happen in Bangladesh; (b) a legitimate process by which the governing party leaders/members/supporters enrich themselves as they are fully entitled to do as it was they who brought about the independence of the country and it is they who are saving the country from destruction at the hands of the BNP.
Democracy - A process which ensures that the current government remains in power
Economic migrant - either (a) a person who along with other similar economic migrants are great boon for Bangladesh's economy or (b) someone who is suffering from mental illness.
Election Commission - an organization set up to ensure free and fair elections (see 'free and fair elections')
Enforced disappearance - when a person goes into hiding to avoid being detained and prosecuted for various crimes, and which of course does not involve any law enforcement authority. 
Extra-judicial killing - when known criminals kill themselves in a fire-fight (and of course does not involve any unlawful force by law enforcing authorities)
Free and fair election - an election which the current governing party wins (see ''Election Commission' ) 
Free and fair press - media willing to only print or broadcast news supportive of the current government 
Hostile country - any country that is not an 'ally', (see above) 
International Crimes Tribunal - a court which provides the highest standards of justice and rights compared to any other court in the world 
Jamaati - a terrorist, war criminal or …. simply a person who does not support the current government (also see 'anti-liberation force' and 'Razaker') 
Khaleda Zia - a terrorist leader who should be in jail. 
Media bias - articles or reports which are critical of government activities 
National Human Rights Commission - You mean Bangladesh has one? 
Parliamentary opposition - this is a political party selected by the governing party, which is given ministerships, and which does whatever the current government wants it to do. 
People's demand - a demand which is good for the current governing party and its leadership.  
Razaker - a person who disagrees publicly with a policy of the government
Secular - a word, contained in the country's constitution, and which the governing party supports, but which no longer has any clear meaning. Whatever it does mean, the political opposition does not support it.
Settled history - a history of Bangladesh, in particular of the 1971 War of Independence, as told by the governing party
Tender - a process by which government bodies give contracts to those linked to the governing party. 
Terrorism - violence committed by the Bangladesh Nationalist Party or the Jamaat-e-Islami
For the BNP meetings
Peaceful protest - one in which petrol bombs are thrown, but blamed on the government 
Petrol bomb - never the responsibility of the Bangladesh Nationalist Party

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